Alien seeks Alien – Earthlings need not apply.
I’ve been a little down the past few days. Mostly because my ability to form personal relationships has been seriously lacking. I am very straightforward and honest. I was told that can be perceived as being boastful and forceful – two things I am not. I try to live each day to it’s fullest and always tell people what I have to say when I have to say it. It’s getting me nowhere. Usually, when I tell someone I like them I get blown off or ignored. I mean, if the situation was reversed, I’d be like “Hey, awesome. Let me get your number and we’ll hang out.” But the situation is never reversed. No one has ever told me they found me attractive.
I recently told someone I wanted to be an important part of their life – friends or otherwise – but I would like a relationship. They kind of blew me off, “I just wanna be friends.” and didn’t address the larger issue of wanting to be someone to them. I’ve been putting forth some effort and it hasn’t been returned at all. So, despite my desire of wanting to be there for them, everything they’ve done on their end shows otherwise. So, despite my wanting to have a relationship, I’m not important enough to them to make time for me. I kind of wish they would outright just be like “Dude, I don’t want a relationship with you and I don’t want you in my life.” Rather than dragging me along so I think I am done with that correspondence. I do care but there’s nothing left to be done. I mean, I made every accommodation. I offered to travel to them or if they wanted to travel to me – I’d give them gas money since that was an issue. I deserve someone better anyways. Someone who cares to be with me but I can’t find anyone.
I get quickly judged and dismissed for being: vegan, straightedge, or mentally ill. All three have no affect on being a friend to me. But, I can’t find people to be friends with. The last attempts at making friends have all ended the same way: I get their number. I call. They never call me back. I mean, it’d be cool if they would be like, “I changed my mind, I don’t want to be friends.” But just nothing and being ignored is the worse.
I talked to a friend for some advice on this issue. They were like “Play games. It’s all a game.” And I am like, “Dude, I don’t play games.” And look where it’s gotten me: nowhere and nothing. I mean, I’ve been “out” for four years and I haven’t had a second date – let alone a girlfriend. I even had my dad turn to me and tell me he thought I really wasn’t queer because of my lack of relationships.
It’s not for a lack of trying. I don’t understand human mating rituals. I am just me – kind of alien to this world since where I am from – we do things differently. We tell people how we feel. It’s not a big deal. It’s either you want connection or you don’t, and whatever you want will be respected but you got to communicate how you feel because we’re not psychic. We don’t give out our phone number and not return phone calls. We don’t play games. We are honest and forthright. I wish I could find another alien like me because the people on this rock are nuts and I refuse to be brought down to that level of madness.
A Personal Ad
So, I’ve been single my entire life, 26 years and counting. I haven’t meet anyone worth my time. I’ve been out and queer for about four years now. I’ve been looking everywhere for someone to date to no avail. I figured, if I haven’t met someone in a quarter of a century – I am probably never going to meet anyone.
I’ve tried everything: internet dating, speed dating, going to bars/clubs, joining clubs, starting clubs, going to shows, and putting on shows. I don’t know, it just seems like the people I want to meet don’t exist anywhere. There is only a handful of queer punks to begin with and to find one that’s straightedge, vegan, and monogamous is never going to happen.
Everyone keeps on feeding me the same lines, “It’d happen when you least expect it.” “It’d happened when you stop looking for it.” But it’s just not. I feel like I am missing out on part of the human experience of having a connection with someone. I want a partner in life but I feel like I’ll never have one. I am one of the sweetest people around – not nice out of weakness – nice because I know better. I would go anywhere in the world to have a community but there doesn’t seem to be people to build that community with. I don’t know how to put myself out there more than I already have.
I am tired of 1’s, 2’s, and 3’s. I have been feeling very bored with the world and the people in it. I haven’t met any colorful people or anyone who’s been able to hold my interest for more than week in years. I’ve gone on lots of first dates – never a second.
I didn’t even look for someone to date for a long time because I was really broken. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my open wounds so I didn’t look for anyone to share it with. I didn’t think it would be fair. Now, I spent lots of time working on myself, getting to know myself, and healing myself. I felt like I done all this work to make myself as awesome as I can be and I want to share it with someone but there’s no one awesome for me to share it with.
I want an intellectual equal but I have yet to meet anyone who is. I have met people who have more education than me and talk in big words almost as big as their ego. It doesn’t impress me. I have never met anyone as smart as me though. I met lots of people who talk big about love and compassion but don’t live it. I meet lots of people who dress like me and pretend to be like me but they aren’t. I have never meet another anarcho-pacifist straightedge peace punk. They aren’t at shows. They aren’t at the radical feminist bookstores. I have no idea where to look.
I suppose that’s why I started this journal to try to connect with like-minded people. I wish someone was looking for me as much as I am looking for them. I had a hit the other day by someone who googled “transgender” + “anarchist” + “vegetarian” and I was really disappointed that they didn’t say hello. I don’t write just to be heard – I want to hear you too.
I am a very sensitive, kind, and loving creature. I have a real big heart. I don’t play games and I say it how I see it. Most people can’t handle it. I have a hard time relating to people because I really do care and most people don’t. It’s almost a curse to be a 5 in a land of 3’s. My life would be a lot easier if I didn’t care, was stupid, and mean. I’d have lots of people to date just like me if I liked team sports, group think, eating flesh, and had imaginary friends. But, that isn’t me.
I am not a cookie cutter person from a cookie cutter system. I am a beautiful lotus flower that risen from the murkiest of muddy waters. Some people can’t see beyond the mohawk, piercings, and tattoos. The punk t-shirts, heavy boots, and work pants. I like dressing loud and being punk because punk is the only subculture to have stopped a war. My dress is my armor to the world – because my heart is really on my sleeve. I don’t put up a front – I am always me.
I want wonderful and amazing people to be friends with and play with. I have a handful scattered around the world but I could always use more. Good people are really rare. I wish I could find someone good to give my heart to.
