Quitting: I can’t get laid because of capitalism.
Alright, I’ve been thinking about doing this for sometime. I usually don’t give up on things. However, it’s been almost three years and my attempt to find a suitable girl to date has been very unsuccessful. I’ve tried four major cities: San Francisco, New York City, Los Angeles, and San Diego. I can’t find anyone who’s intelligent, kind, compassionate, creative, that intrigues me. I’ve tried every online dating service known to man and gone to all the events I could go to. I’ve volunteered and put on shows. I handed out hundreds of flyers and organized different groups. I’ve done everything I could to put myself out there to meet people. I even tried speed dating. Yes, I’ve done it all and I am pretty certain that there’s no one I am compatible with. So, I am giving up. I am fine and happy with myself. I don’t need anyone. I am beginning to think the idea of being with someone is probably better than the actual reality.
I have no idea what girls want. I refuse to stop being straightforward and honest. I refuse abuse, objectify, or disrespect another human. No one wants someone intelligent, kind, and loyal. I’m a catch but there’s no one suitable to be caught by so I’m done.
If someone wants to court me, they can try, but I am pretty jaded and over the whole idea of ever having a mate. I’ve been on this planet for over a quarter of a century and haven’t even found anyone worth sharing a first sober (I’ve been drunk once and kiss a friend but stopped because I was drunk and there wasn’t consent – end of story) kiss with so I don’t think more time is the answer. It’s just further proof that under the current capitalistic system that produces cogs instead of freethinkers – that caring, loving, good humans aren’t produced. If our system valued compassion over domination and greed maybe I could find a mate. I can’t get laid because of capitalism.
XVX: Is there a such thing as a vegan straightedge lesbian or queer?
I am starting to lose hope. I’d settle for someone really intelligent but I haven’t been able to find that either. I haven’t been on a date in months but there’s really no one I am too interested in dating. Punk grrrls are rare. Lesbian punk grrrls even rarer. Throw in wanting someone who’s vegan and straightedge into the mix – no luck for me.
I don’t want someone -exactly- like me but I would prefer someone with the same foundations; political, spiritually, and dietary. The type of grrrl I want isn’t on match.com or anywhere that I can see. Maybe she doesn’t exist. I want a monogamous vegan atheist straightedge anarchist female-bodied queer or lesbian. Am I the only one?
A Personal Ad
So, I’ve been single my entire life, 26 years and counting. I haven’t meet anyone worth my time. I’ve been out and queer for about four years now. I’ve been looking everywhere for someone to date to no avail. I figured, if I haven’t met someone in a quarter of a century – I am probably never going to meet anyone.
I’ve tried everything: internet dating, speed dating, going to bars/clubs, joining clubs, starting clubs, going to shows, and putting on shows. I don’t know, it just seems like the people I want to meet don’t exist anywhere. There is only a handful of queer punks to begin with and to find one that’s straightedge, vegan, and monogamous is never going to happen.
Everyone keeps on feeding me the same lines, “It’d happen when you least expect it.” “It’d happened when you stop looking for it.” But it’s just not. I feel like I am missing out on part of the human experience of having a connection with someone. I want a partner in life but I feel like I’ll never have one. I am one of the sweetest people around – not nice out of weakness – nice because I know better. I would go anywhere in the world to have a community but there doesn’t seem to be people to build that community with. I don’t know how to put myself out there more than I already have.
I am tired of 1’s, 2’s, and 3’s. I have been feeling very bored with the world and the people in it. I haven’t met any colorful people or anyone who’s been able to hold my interest for more than week in years. I’ve gone on lots of first dates – never a second.
I didn’t even look for someone to date for a long time because I was really broken. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my open wounds so I didn’t look for anyone to share it with. I didn’t think it would be fair. Now, I spent lots of time working on myself, getting to know myself, and healing myself. I felt like I done all this work to make myself as awesome as I can be and I want to share it with someone but there’s no one awesome for me to share it with.
I want an intellectual equal but I have yet to meet anyone who is. I have met people who have more education than me and talk in big words almost as big as their ego. It doesn’t impress me. I have never met anyone as smart as me though. I met lots of people who talk big about love and compassion but don’t live it. I meet lots of people who dress like me and pretend to be like me but they aren’t. I have never meet another anarcho-pacifist straightedge peace punk. They aren’t at shows. They aren’t at the radical feminist bookstores. I have no idea where to look.
I suppose that’s why I started this journal to try to connect with like-minded people. I wish someone was looking for me as much as I am looking for them. I had a hit the other day by someone who googled “transgender” + “anarchist” + “vegetarian” and I was really disappointed that they didn’t say hello. I don’t write just to be heard – I want to hear you too.
I am a very sensitive, kind, and loving creature. I have a real big heart. I don’t play games and I say it how I see it. Most people can’t handle it. I have a hard time relating to people because I really do care and most people don’t. It’s almost a curse to be a 5 in a land of 3’s. My life would be a lot easier if I didn’t care, was stupid, and mean. I’d have lots of people to date just like me if I liked team sports, group think, eating flesh, and had imaginary friends. But, that isn’t me.
I am not a cookie cutter person from a cookie cutter system. I am a beautiful lotus flower that risen from the murkiest of muddy waters. Some people can’t see beyond the mohawk, piercings, and tattoos. The punk t-shirts, heavy boots, and work pants. I like dressing loud and being punk because punk is the only subculture to have stopped a war. My dress is my armor to the world – because my heart is really on my sleeve. I don’t put up a front – I am always me.
I want wonderful and amazing people to be friends with and play with. I have a handful scattered around the world but I could always use more. Good people are really rare. I wish I could find someone good to give my heart to.
