Identity Conflicts
What do you do when your perceived notion of self conflicts with your true self? You thought you knew yourself well and something comes out of left field that completely shatters that theory. Do you evolve or hide? What does it say about you how you react?
For me, an identity conflicted year was when I was 22. I just realized I was a queerling and I always thought myself to be straight. It was part of how I defined myself. It completely shook my foundation. I already establish my identity as what was “me” and “not me.” I thought I had a nice neat package to present to the world when that presentation was wrong. So, faced with this, I accepted that I was a queerling, after a year of being confused by what I was feeling. I suppose I didn’t want to admit it to myself. It wasn’t the fact that I cared whether I was queer or not, it was more the fact that I had “defined” myself and the definition didn’t fit. I am happier for redefining myself and accepting myself for who I am.
Some people don’t accept themselves when they have realizations about their person that they might not like. I think this is the more painful route to take because they are always denying themself from being who they really are. It becomes a matter of keeping up appearances and putting skeletons in the closet. It becomes about acting and being an image rather than being you.
What do you have to lose by being yourself? What do you stand to gain? By denying yourself being yourself, you lose true connections. Everything is fake because it is all an act. Whereas, if you are yourself without holding back, you have freedom to be you. Your connections are real – since there is no inhibitions on your part.
I’ve only been drunk once in my life and I learned from that experience that I wanted to be as free sober as I was drunk. I didn’t want to be dependent on a substance to show my true colors or blame it when something was improper. I wanted to be me – all the time.
I used to play the game with keeping up appearances to be what I thought people wanted me to be and not being myself. I just got to the point I couldn’t handle such fakery anymore. I stopped playing the game. I lost some, gain more, and now I am much happier for it. I can wake up in the morning and face myself for who I am – not who I want to be – I am my ideal self.
It takes a lot of working on yourself to get to the ideal state. But, really, what is more important in this world than working on making yourself the best you can be? So often people settle for an image that is being sold to them rather than figuring things out for themselves. It’s a harder path to take but in the end is much more fulfilling.
On Vegetarianism – thinking about going Vegan again
This has been on my mind for a few days. I watched The Meatrix a few days ago and haven’t been able to stop thinking about one scene. I thought by being vegetarian – I was free of consuming anything flesh-like. Apparently, that’s not true because the meat industry feeds the dairy cows both cow’s blood and animal byproducts. Really, really gross.
One of my acquaintance made the mistake of asking how I was. Never ask me this unless you really want to know. I mentioned I was thinking about going vegan and and she asked “why” I was thinking about being vegan. I should have known better to stop the conversation there because such things with meat eaters always end in conflict. I told her I was already a vegetarian and that I found out they feed calves blood which is gross. She agreed with me and mentioned she enjoyed eating meat. I should have politely withdraw from the conversation at that point – which I will do next time – but I commented how eating meat is eating a tortured corpse. She was like, “Some people see it that way, other don’t.” Which I responded, “It doesn’t matter what your belief is – it’s what it is.”
The conversation went downhill at that point. As I believe meat eating to be one of the most selfish things a person can do. It’s literally saying, “I get pleasure from your pain. My life is more valuable than yours.” which is completely unnecessary in this day and age where we control our food supply and grow lots of vegetables. It’s also a waste of energy getting food energy from first making it into meat and not taking it in it’s direct form. I see meat eating as being a murderer. I do not tolerate it in any shape or form.
What about vegetarianism? I was vegan for about four months but honestly, I got lazy. I liked pancakes and certain things that I fell back in the habit of having eggs and dairy. So, I figured I’d stick with being a vegetarian. I’m way too sensitive to eat meat. I knew the eggs and dairy industry were bad and the animals had unhappy lives. I thought I could live with that but lately, I haven’t been feeling it. Rather, I feel so deeply that unlike how most people are desensitized and detached – I really feel the effect of everything I do.
I used to be your average kid doing average things: playing violent video games, watching violent movies, and feasting on the dead. I was a proud product of the system; a registered democrat – I drove down to the post office on my 18th birthday to register to vote and do my civil duties. I thought freedom and equality was established with civil war and women’s rights movement. That Martin Luther King ended racism. In other words, rather brainwashed. The system did a good job on me.
Then a lot of things happened. Maybe I’ll write a book about it. I always questioned things like I wasn’t sure if we really landed on the moon. But, I never thought to question myself and my foundation. It was outside my scope of experience. As I became more aware, I thought maybe I should become vegetarian but I never thought I could do it. I thought I liked meat too much. I was really conditioned. I started getting into riot grrrl and some punk my first year of college. I didn’t even know it was called “riot grrrl” back then.
Anyways, after lots and lots of questioning – still questioning and searching I arrive at who I am today. I am still growing and am not the final product by any means. Maybe the next step in the evolution is to go vegan because I can’t stand what they do to the animals. Life is life and precious. I have no right to decide if certain animals like pets should have a life of luxury while others have hell simply because they make stuff I like to eat.
What does "Queer" mean to you?
Being “queer” is different than being “gay” or “lesbian.” “Gay” or “lesbian” is a sexual orientation. Queer is more a sociological lifestyle rather than a sexuality (or gender identity). With the mainstream trying to make money off the “gay” and “lesbian” identities they use the word “queer” for marketing value such as “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” or “Queer as Folks” but not really addressing what it’s like to be queer.
For me, being queer is about rejecting heteronormalitivity and mainstream values. It’s not about being a sheep and following into line. It’s about thinking for yourself and being independent. It’s about rejecting societal and cultural norms. It’s about living life as you want to live it rather than being told how to live it. It’s about questioning everything – even yourself to come up with the solution that works best for you.
A current example of my rejection of heteronormalitivity and mainstream culture: my stepsister is downstairs on the couch cuddling her boyfriend while watching a show that makes fun of people. I don’t see how watching a show that makes fun of my fellow human beings to be entertaining since it’s laughing at their expense and not with them. They are so conditioned that they don’t even see that there’s anything wrong with chosen form of entertainment as I hear laughter trailing upstairs. I found something gravely wrong with the mainstream culture and what other people find permissible. I don’t find the misfortune of other’s to be funny. They do it for the sense of fitting in, to be cool, and possibly their minds are just that fucked.
Being queer is about not being fucked up like mainstream society. It’s about being vocal while the masses are silent. It’s about seeing and addressing the problems we face. It’s about having the best parties. 😉 It’s about swimming against the stream rather than going with the flow. For me, part of being queer is how I present myself to the world. I am rather butch, wear a frog bra, have tattoos, piercings, and a mohawk. I don’t “pass” at all. For some people, my mere appearance is a confrontation because I don’t follow gender stereotypes. I get stares, sneers, sometimes verbal assaulted, and once physically assaulted. Violence never solves anything. You can bash my face in but you can’t touch my mind. I won’t stop being queer just because you don’t approve.
I once saw a poster that said, “Not Gay as in Happy, But Queer as in Fuck You.” Queer is about being in your face and getting your hands dirty to change things. It’s not about being political correct. You can also be straight and queer. It’s a mindset and a way of being. It can also be a sexual orientation for those who defy the binary. It’s many things to many people. What does queer mean to you?
Sex, Gender, Gender Expression, and Sexual Orientation
This is something I know very well and live. It’s like breathing – second nature that when it comes time to explain it, it’s hard to do because it’s something I don’t even think about anymore. What brought it to the forefront was that I was talking to a friend of mine and he mentioned it took him sometime to realize that they were in fact separate entities. Society tries to condition us to believe they are one. It isn’t true. There are only a handful of sexes but there are as many genders as there are people.
Sex refers to biological differences; chromosomes, hormonal profiles, internal and external sex organs. Such differences can be distinguished by the fact that male and female bodies behave differently. Females have periods while males do not. Females have breasts that produce milk while males do not. Male and females have different sex organs. There is also intersexed that has characteristics of both.
Not even sex is set in stone but is harder to change than gender. People who feel their sex doesn’t match their body can get surgeries and take hormones to get the mind and the body to match. This is called being transgendered. Some people who identify as transgendered chose not to transition at all, others only to a point to where they can “pass” as their chosen sex, and others transition top to bottom. It’s different for different people and is a personal choice. Transgendered is regardless of operation status. Transsexual applies to those who are transitioning, have transitioned, or intend to transition.
Gender describe the characteristics that society determines to be masculine or feminine. Gender is constructed by society. Unlike sex, people are not born with gender. Gender is something learned. “Gender roles” are what society denotes should be the characteristics of each sex. However, gender and sex don’t always match. For example, my sex is female but my gender presentation is masculine. My hair is cut short and I wear men’s clothing. In my head, I don’t feel like either gender or sex is what I am so I identify as female-bodied genderqueer. Likewise, there can be people who are of the male sex who present a feminine gender by dressing in dresses and skirts and maybe have long hair but in their head they are male sex and female gendered. Sex and gender have nothing to do with each other. They are two separate things.
Plus, gender and gender expression are two different things. You might have someone who is female sex masculine identified gender dressing in dresses to avoid raising eyebrows on the street. You can’t judge someone’s gender by their gender expression because it varies. Gender isn’t set in stone. Some people change gender with the seasons, other daily, some minutely. Your presentation doesn’t define your gender. Just like being punk, it is all about what’s in the mind and inside.
Now, to make things more complicated – we can toss sexual orientation into the mix. Unlike people like to believe, sexual orientation seems to be more fluid than concrete. Sexual orientation is what people find erotically attractive. Most people aren’t a hundred percent gay or straight – some people are but most people on the Kinsley Scale seem to fall in the middle. Also, keep in mind most people aren’t attracted to “just women” and “just men”. Most people have a preference for a sex but also certain gender characteristics they find attractive. For example, I tend to find butch women attractive which confused me for the longest time to think I was straight because I only got feminine women hitting on me and only saw feminine women in my daily life and I am not attracted to them. However, there is no defining rule for attraction. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. I know with me, I have my personal preferences, but if I met an awesome person – their sex and gender wouldn’t matter to me. However, some people have personal boundaries on what they will and won’t do. For example, someone who has a strict heterosexual identity is automatically limiting themselves to half the people due to mindset. Homophobia comes into play because nothing is an absolute – labels are useful guidelines but people are really fluid. That’s when people get afraid is when they realize things aren’t black and white and are shades of gray. Instead of accepting and embracing the unknown to grow and become better, some people respond with hate.
I think if we all learned to love instead of hate and accepted the fact we are humans and everyone is different and that’s okay the world would be a much happier, safer, loving place.
The Birds are Up to No Good.
That isn’t a euphemism for anything – my three cockatiels are plotting something. I don’t know what it is but they are hard at work on whatever -it- is. This has been on my mind for the past few days. I don’t have any idea what they are up to but I know they are all up to something! They get this guilty look on their face when I look up from the computer to them and quickly scurry away. Their mohawks go up and they get this big grin on their face. I go over and inspect their cages and I don’t see anything amiss. I get confused. I sit back down. Once they think the coast is clear, they are back to work.
I don’t think they are plotting escape – as they chirp innocently back and forth to each other. They don’t like leaving their cages. When I open the doors for them to come out, they just sit inside. They are very happy to be just where they are. The birds sing all the time.
My dad called and I mentioned that the birds were plotting something to him. He didn’t seem concerned. He said they do the same thing with him too. I told him they must be plotting something. World Domination, maybe? I wouldn’t put it past our three cockatiels.
Cease Fire, Caring, and Giving + On Language
This year for Christmas, there is no cease fire. There has been in the past. I was wondering if they can call cease fire for one day, why can’t it be all the time? Also, during this time of year there is so much caring and giving to help those in need. Instead of it being a yearly event, why can’t it be this way every day? Something to think about.
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Language is the tool which enables us to communicate with our fellow beings. It is a limiting tool. It controls how we think and process things according to the rules of the languages we speak. Also, it does not accurately define the human experience even if you have words to describe it because your listener’s definition and experience with the words you use may be different from yours.
There are also things that there are not words for that you may experience. It’s hard to process these things because without the words to describe it – it’s a thought without a definition. It’s something felt but not understand or mastered as when you have words for it. For example, there is no word that exist or can exist that accurately describes my gender. It’s not male or female – it is something else entirely but the best our language can offer for such a state is “genderqueer.” Using the word “genderqueer” to describe myself is like describing the shadows on the wall of an unseen figure. It’s a mere abstraction of what is really there but there is no place in our binary world for my existence but against all odds, I exist.
We create new words to define new experiences but there are some things words do an injustice to. For example, the word “Love” is so overused in society. The definition has been so water down by so many uses that people can no longer distinguish “love” from “like”. “Love” has become a synonym for “like” when both words are two different feelings, they now blend into one.
I think a problem with our society is that we quickly establish things into binaries. When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. We should stop fragmenting our existence by breaking it down into binaries. We should recognize when we are being a slave of our language and having a ground of common experiences is assumed.
Language when used correctly can be a great tool. But as with any tools, it’s a means to the ends and not the ends itself. Don’t be afraid to ask for definitions if you don’t understand how a person is defining a word to avoid miscommunication.
On Greed and Selfishness
I was talking to my doctor the other day and the issue of human greed came up. Are humans inherently greedy? I personally believe the answer to the question is “No.” My doctor tried to used the example of how the world is today but what my doctor was forgetting is that the sample population being looked at was only 1% of all humans who ever lived on this planet. It is my argument that it’s the way it currently is in the world is because of how we teach people to be. That greed and selfishness isn’t human nature as society likes to preach.
The problem in society is based in the foundation. That foundation is capitalism. Capitalism teaches us to be greedy and selfish. The winners in capitalism are those who exploit, legally rob, and cheat the most people. Success isn’t measured by how many smiles you bring into the world but by how much money one makes.
Things have only been “this way” for the last 10,000 years. Before that, humans and the planet were getting along just fine. The problem started when man decided that the earth belong to him instead of the fact that man belongs to the earth. I am not saying civilization is inherently bad – the Greeks and the Romans did just fine without causing the destruction on the planet we are now. Man needs to learn to have the damage done to the planet and the planet’s ability to replenish itself in sync.
I argue if we were to have a system based on community, sharing, and brotherhood – we would have a different world. If parents didn’t raise their children to put “me” first. If we taught that treating others with respect, compassion, and kindness instead of being taught that everything is a commodity.
Even the way we relate to people in retail and service reflects how capitalism has brainwashed society. We do not see the salespeople as humans who have a family at home and their own problems. If we did, people wouldn’t get half as mean, nasty, or upset. We’re so conditioned that we don’t even see having the right to chose what to eat, where to shop, and what to wear as having a privilege. Most retail stores remove all human aspects from their presentation – with each store, no matter where you are in the world – having the exact same service and the exact same product. Cookie cutter products for cookie cutter people who like to believe they are “unique.” It’s all a lie.
A few stores, like Costco have policies that none of their products can come from sweatshop labor. But, we as consumers are so far removed from the way things are produced that we allow inhumane treatment for our mass produce goods. Most of the time, people’s clothes are more well traveled than the wearer. Most people don’t even think about the person who made it – how they have families, problems, and poverty. We need to focus on having a human community were everyone gets their share. Global wealth created global poverty.
I think this is one of the harder concepts I have to get people to wrap their heads around. For every action, there is a reaction. The reaction of having rich is that we have the poor. In other countries, there is a limit to how much a CEO can earn. It makes the gap between the rich and poor less so people are more level. Not that there isn’t rich and poor, but really, how many yachts do you need? And how many children die of hunger a day? Think about it.
One of the main problems is that we are conditioned to not think about it and accept the motto, “This is the way things have always been.” This is false. We can change the world and make it a beautiful place for everyone if we just cared a little and put some thought into what we consume.
Transgender: An Ally's Perspective
I was talking to someone today and somehow it came up that I knew a lot of transboys. “They must be confused.†They said. I furrowed my brows and shook my head, “No, they aren’t confused. They just have the wrong body.â€
I know that people understand male and female. Everyone is aware of their gender from the moment they can understand anything. But not everyone understands transgendered. Transgendered is not confusion or anything like that – in fact it is quite the opposite. It’s a deep knowing that the gender assigned to their body doesn’t match the gender in their mind.
Some people who are transgendered know from the very beginning that their body doesn’t match what’s inside. Others, go on quite a journey to figure it out. It’s probably really hard for most cis-gendered people to imagine what it is like to feel like an alien to your own body. The closest metaphor I can use to explain the discomfort is it’s like the dream that you’re naked/in your underwear and everyone else is clothed and staring. It makes you really self aware and very uncomfortable. It’s like everyone else blends in and fit but you’re the missing a piece to the puzzle.
I feel for my transgendered brothers and sisters. It’s not easy by any means standing up and saying, “Hey, this body isn’t right for me.â€Â Nor is it easy to go through the steps to set the body to match the mind.
I don’t know much about the transition process. It’s a series of surgeries and injections. It takes it’s toll. Some transgendered people chose not to transition due to all the risks. If they can’t “pass†they will be plagued in life being boxed into a box that doesn’t fit.
Every three days in developed countries a transgendered person is murdered. Also, transgendered people are often left in the dust by gays and lesbians organizations who are trying to assimilate, most notably the HRC.
Not only are they abandoned by their supposed allies, things that people take for granted as being status-quo can be a threat to transgendered individuals safety. For example, going to the bathroom. No big deal for your average man or woman – but if you are a man in a woman’s body or a woman in a man’s body, it can be a very dangerous situation.
The point of all this is that transgender people are usually really awesome and don’t deserve such bad treatment by society, gays, and lesbians. Being transgendered is no more someone’s fault than being left handed. It’s just how they are made.
On Being a Celebrity and the Objectification of People
The American culture is dependent on the possibility that anyone can make it big. It’s the illusion that keeps the poor in line and the rich in power. The American rich 1% holds more wealth than the bottom 90%. That is hardly fair and Americans are addicted to the idea that they can become the 1%.
Due to wanting to be wealthy and not having it, America settles for the next best thing: living vicariously through celebrities and the rich. The rich and famous become objects – not people – as portrayed by the television, magazines, and news. They become a name – a brand – to be packaged, bought, and sold like any other commodity in our capitalistic system.
This is a system of control. The poor are appeased by having the rare possibility that they too – with their talents and uniqueness can also make it big. The rich and famous; who are also inmates in our cultural prison who have more privilege, are treated like gods.
For example, I just went to see a concert a few weeks ago and during the show the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars walked into the crowd. People went out of their way to run up and touch him (it was really bizarre) to have bragging rights. To touch a celebrity or have an object that they were associated with is like touching divinity in our culture.
This is a really weird aspect of American culture that I don’t really understand because in my understanding of humanity – we are all equal. I wouldn’t want to touch another human unless I was close to them but for it to be socially acceptable to forcefully touch another person without consent on the mere fact they can sing, act, or dance is ridiculous.
This living vicariously through fame is destructive to celebrities. The latest example being the Tiger Woods incident and how people just can’t seem to mind their own business. Who cares? I have my own life to deal with and I don’t have time to be focusing my life on people I never met.
Even in death, celebrities can not escape their fame and be given an ounce of peace. Grave robbers if given the chance, will steal famous people’s remains. The Hollywood cemetery is now a tourist attractions where you can visit your favorite dead residence. Even a corpse is marketable.
People need to stop worshiping celebrities and the rich. People are people, not objects. People need to learn to live and let live and mind their own business. Here’s a secret for you: The rich and famous only have “wealth” and “power” because you give it to them. If you would stop giving them power, they wouldn’t have any. If we spent more time empowering ourselves for our own beauties and less time drooling over our fellow apes – we’d have a much healthier society.
